I already have an FAQ page, but I thought I’d make a blog post asking the ‘weird’ questions. The questions that are too NSFW or niche to really be called ‘frequently asked’, though if my time on Reddit is any indicator, people frequently WANT to ask them. Maybe they’re too awkward to say out loud. Maybe people feel like they’ll be judged if they ask. Who knows. Let’s go!
Do I keep my eyes open or shut?
Occasionally I read posts or comments by massage therapists saying clients make uncomfortable eye contact. On the other side, clients write that maybe they don’t want to fall asleep, so they keep their eyes open. Or they want to seem like they’re paying attention, so they make eye contact. I think whatever makes you comfortable is the right eyelid position, but constant eye contact is not necessary for the therapist to feel like you’re attentive. You can look around if your eyes are open, and occasional eye contact is fine, but unwavering eye contact is probably not restful for you as a client.
What if I've made an appointment to treat an injury I got while having sex?
When massage therapists do intake, we ask what you want worked on. If you’ve come in to get an injury treated, we ask questions like ‘when did it start?’ and ‘how did it happen?’ Sometimes the answer is that it happened during sex, and that can be useful for your massage therapist to know! We don’t need a play-by-play, but the mechanism of injury helps us figure out why your body is acting the way it is. Sex is just one of the things a body does, and it’s not scary to talk about. Also, saying that I’m kink-informed is a taboo thing to advertise since massage therapy is often associated with sex work and might attract the wrong kind of client, but I am kink-informed and sex-worker inclusive.
Am I too hairy/fat/skinny?
Body image issues are unfortunately super common. Maybe you feel like the massage therapist will judge the way you look. Maybe you worry that some features will make it harder to work on you. If you have a good massage therapist, none of that will be a barrier and they won’t be judging your appearance. We are supposed to learn how to palpate muscles and bones and joints on a variety of shapes, and if we’ve done our job correctly, we can address those things on any body. No matter how big, small, or fuzzy.
Should I talk, or stay quiet?
This may depend on your massage therapist. Some people can’t talk and work at the same time. I am not one of those people. My time in the circus trained me to dance and use props and talk all at once, so if you want to keep up a lively conversation, I can do that. Some people believe that if you’re talking, you’re not relaxing. I think that can be true, but most often I find that talking is one way that people process physical injury and trauma. In my studio, whatever makes you feel comfortable is going to make my job easier. Maybe body work makes you chatty. Maybe it makes you introspective (and if your massage therapist is too chatty, you are allowed to ask for quiet). I don’t need you to entertain me, and you can’t distract me, so choose your own adventure.
What if I get an erection?
Listen. Erections sometimes happen when a person falls asleep or is very relaxed. As long as you don’t touch it, wiggle it around, try to get me to interact with it, or start moaning, we’re square. But if you’ve booked in with me specifically because you WANT to have an erection? You’re in the wrong place. I am not a sex worker. I will not engage in any kind of sexual or sensual behaviour with my clients. Partly because it would end my career, but mostly because I don’t want to.
If I hate the massage, should I say something (and will it hurt the therapist's feelings)?
You won’t hurt my feelings. Maybe I’m not the right massage therapist for you, or maybe the style or pressure I’m using isn’t your jam. Tell me about it! I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken. Maybe I’m doing myofascial work, but you like tapotement. Maybe I’m doing deep work, but you like a lighter pressure. I’ve studied a lot of different techniques, so we can either find something that works for you, or end the session. I won’t be insulted; I know I’m not for everyone.
What if I have to fart?
Story time! When I was in school, we did evening internship treatments to get us used to ‘the public’. We treated people in cubicles separated by curtains. One of the clients knew me from when I used to work as the clinic administrator for the school, and while we were doing intake she said ‘Carey, I need you to make me fart. Please. I haven’t pooped in a week and I can feel a fart in there and it hurts so bad.’ We had just done a module on constipation in class, so I pulled out all the moves I’d learned. About 20 minutes in, everyone else in the room heard a loud fart, followed by my client and me cheering. The point is, sometimes you need to fart, and it’s a lot easier to work on someone who’s not tense from holding a fart on top of whatever they came in for. Better out than in. Besides, in my clinic we wear masks, so you won’t gas me out.
And yes, I do constipation massage. It’s very effective.
I started seeing you because my partner recommended you, but we broke up. Do I have to stop coming to you?
This has happened a few times. Sometimes both parties stop seeing me, sometimes only one sticks around, and sometimes both stay. Just remember, you signed a confidentiality statement from me that tells you I can’t talk about who comes to see me or what I work on with them, so your ex will never know if you’re still my client. You don’t have to lose me in the divorce.
The FAQs say I don't have to take all my clothes off, but is it weird for me to be naked?
Nope. You’re covered by sheets anyway, so ideally I may never find out if you’re naked or not. And even if I think you might be, I won’t see anything. That’s the cool thing about sheets and proper draping. Privacy is comfortable!
What if I start crying?
Sometimes massage therapy can make people emotional. Sometimes you’re having a crappy day and have already been crying. I won’t find it awkward at all, but if you do, you can ask to stop the treatment. Or, I have tissues, so you can cry it out while I work on you if you’re fine with that. Myofascial work can bring up emotions out of nowhere, and if that happens and you don’t want to cry, let me know and we’ll switch up the modality.
I”m sure there are lots of questions I’ve left out or don’t know about, but hopefully this helps potential (or existing!) clients feel less awkward about some things that bodies do. Bodies are gross and cool, and massage is for every body. If you have questions that I have not answered, leave them in the comments and when enough questions have piled up, I’ll do another post!